Diversionary Tactics
by snooky-9093
Summary: The medic and chaplain have no idea what they did to deserve a chewing out.. But like good soldiers, they are prepared to face the consequences. 2019 Papa Bear Awards. Winner: Best short comedy-Gold, Best portrayal of a canon extra-Wilson, silver; nominated: best portrayal of an original character-Waverly


_Diversionary Tactics_

 _Sergeant Wilson is canon, having appeared in the episode, "Operation Briefcase." Chaplain John Waverly is one of my original characters._

 _I wrote this quickly last week, the day before I had cataract surgery. Guess I was a bit nervous, LOL. Since I'm seeing double now if I wear my glasses (lens on the right eye has been popped out, but I was told that since I'm so myopic, my brain isn't processing this. I'm wearing an eye patch on the right eye. Getting other eye done in two weeks. I can spend a bit of time getting this posted. Reading is a bit difficult._

There were two noncombatants "stationed" at Luft Stalag 13. The medic, Sergeant Joe Wilson, and the chaplain, Lieutenant John Waverly, were transferred to the small POW camp after being captured in Africa. They volunteered to stay, rather than being repatriated.

The two were given strict orders not to get involved in any clandestine activities, although it was inevitable that eventually Wilson would be called upon more than once to treat injured operatives or downed fliers. So far, however, they fulfilled their duties and kept their noses clean.

It was an unusually warm late winter's day in March, 1943, and most of the prisoners were in the compound. Wilson and Waverly were were soaking up the sun and watching an impromptu game of American style football, when they spied one of the residents of Barracks two heading in their direction. He looked quite agitated and Waverly poked Wilson in the arm. "Something's up," he commented. Although they never got involved in any mischief, the two could read body language and spot trouble a mile away. At least they thought they could.

Goldman began jogging over to them, at which point, Wilson, thinking there was a medical emergency, sprung up and began heading for the infirmary entrance. If it was a simple illness or accident, he would go into the barracks through the front door; otherwise, he would head down the infirmary tunnel entrance to take care of things down below.

"Hang on, Wilson." Goldman held up his hand. "Nothing medical. Just Colonel Hogan needs to see both of you right now."

The two glanced at each other and followed Goldman across the compound.

"Actually, yesterday," Goldman muttered.

Out of the corner of his eye, Wilson spied a path opening and noticed weird looks from other prisoners as he and Waverly got closer to the hut.

"Is it my imagination, or are people staring at us?" Waverly whispered.

"Any idea what this is about?" Wilson asked Goldman.

"Nope, and I don't wanna know."

As they reached the hut, the entire population of the barracks streamed out of the door.

"Not sure what you two did mates, but I'm glad I'm not in there with you." Newkirk gave Wilson a friendly pat.

"Boy, it's the quiet ones you have to watch for," Carter said loudly so everyone could hear him. Even the guards took notice and paused. "I've seen him mad, but it's when they aren't yelling, that's when it's bad. My dad was like that…Boy, we were scared witless. Never hit us, nothing like that, but…."

"What is going on?" Schultz walked up to the two, shaking his head. "What did you boys do?" Wilson was the oldest POW in camp, but to Schultz, all the prisoners were his boys.

"Step back, Schultz. Give them some room. Not sure what you two did, but you're in for it. Big time." Kinch held the door open for the two, and then whispered something in Wilson's ear.

 _HhHhH_

Klink was dictating a memo to Fraulein Hilda, when he began feeling a bit warm. "Wait one moment. Is it all right if I open up a window?"

"Oh, please do, Kommandant. It's actually a beautiful day for March."

Klink rose from the chair and walked over to the window. After opening it, he took in the fresh air and then paused. "What is going on out there?"

"Well, that's odd," Hilda stated after she joined the Kommandant at the window.

There was a large crowd of guards and prisoners gathered outside Barracks two. They weren't doing anything, just waiting and listening.

Klink opened the door to the outer office and then the door to the outside. The guard was still at his post; even he was distracted, straining to see what was happening across the compound.

"Schultz! Schultz!" Klink yelled as he walked down the steps.

The reluctant sergeant hustled as fast as he could and met the Kommandant halfway between the Kommandanteur and the crowd surrounding the barracks.

"What is going on here? Where is Colonel Hogan?"

"Oh, it is terrible, Kommandant." Schultz stated with sympathy. "He is chewing out two of his men in there."

"Chewing out two of his men? What did they do? Did you put them on report? And did he forget he had an appointment with me this afternoon?" Now Klink was annoyed. Hogan seemed to have no issue barging in on him at any hour, but when he was expected at a specific time, he had better things to do?

"I do not know what they did. No one seems to know. But it must have been just awful." Schultz lowered his voice. "The medic and the chaplain are in there."

Klink lost his monocle.

"Let me get that for you."

"No. Stop before you crack it, you dummkopf."

Schultz stepped aside and let Klink pick up his monocle. The Kommandant wiped it off with a handkerchief, and then wisely decided against putting it on. He and Schultz marched over to the barracks, the crowd parting in front of him.

"What is going on here?" Klink asked the first member of Hogan's staff he came across. "Did Hogan forget we had a meeting?"

"Yes, sir, I mean, no sir," Kinch answered. "He must have thought this couldn't wait." He let out a cringe at the sound of a scraping chair and the raised voices leaking out of the hut. Klink looked around the tall sergeant, and peered through the window. The medic walked past; he was followed by Hogan. Shortly after that, Klink spied the chaplain staring out the window for a moment. Waverly then turned and disappeared out of sight.

Klink mulled over the situation. He was ready to go in and break this up. But, his logical side decided to wait. Hogan was responsible for disciplining his own men, and up to now, he did a pretty fine job, even acquiescing to sentencing in the cooler when warranted. The two had a quid pro quo arrangement. Give a little, take a little. Klink was fully aware of this and manipulated the American colonel, giving in on his own terms. This was obviously an internal matter; the medic and chaplain would definitely not be caught up in any escape plans, so Klink, now somewhat amused, decided to wait. Eventually, he realized, he would worm the full story out of Hogan. He always did.

It became quieter in the hut, and slowly, the crowd began to disperse.

"Sergeant Kinchloe, when Hogan is finished, he must report to me immediately; I do not tolerate lateness for our appointments; I will be lenient only in this case."

"Absolutely, sir. And I'm sure the colonel will be most grateful for your understanding." Kinch, now standing with several other men from the barracks, gave a worried glance at the hut and then shrugged. "Glad I'm not on the receiving end."

"What in heaven's name could the chaplain have done to warrant this?" Klink asked as Schultz stifled a chuckle.

"And medic, Kommandant."

"Yes, and medic." Klink found Sergeant Wilson to be mature and professional; assisting with minor staff injuries without complaint. The chaplain was young and eager, and in the few times they spoke, Klink found himself liking the lieutenant.

"Yes, what in heaven's name, Kommandant?" The more Schultz thought about this, the more he found it very unusual. "I know nothing about it," he stated.

Klink glared at Schultz. "You always know nothing."

Just after the Kommandant entered his office, the door to Barracks two opened. Wilson and Waverly, followed by Colonel Hogan, walked out. All three shook their heads at the queries from the guards and a few of the prisoners. Hogan headed towards the Kommandanteur, while Wilson and Waverly continued walking across the compound towards the infirmary.

"I think I need a drink," Wilson said as he walked up the steps.

"Same here," Waverly croaked out.

Anderson, a gunner turned medic's assistant, immediately put down the files he was sorting when he heard them come in. He hurried over. "Are you two okay? Baker came in and told me you were being chewed out by the colonel. What did you do?"

"Go into my secret drawer, will ya, and pour us two drinks. And then we'll talk."

Anderson watched Wilson sink into the edge of a cot and then hurried over to the desk. He poured two drinks; nothing for himself-as he was on duty-and pulled up a chair. "Go ahead, spill it."

 _hhhhh_

"I'm sorry I'm late sir. It was totally my fault. Something happened and it needed to be dealt with immediately, and in the stress of the situation, well, I forgot about our meeting."

The lack of logic in this statement completely slipped Klink's mind as he leaned forward.

"I know how it is, Colonel Hogan. Disciplining those you could always count on is one of the toughest command situations there is. You have my sympathy and empathy. So, what exactly did they do? It must have been terrible to have you handle it so quickly."

"Well, it didn't happen just then, sir. I only just found out about it. But, to tell you the truth, I'm not saying. This is between the three of us." Hogan squinted a tad, daring the Kommandant to try and drag it out of him.

"You do know this is my camp and I have ways…." Klink was interrupted by the jingle of the phone.

"Who is it Hilda? I'm trying to find out from Colonel Hogan…"

Klink visibly paled.

"Put him on." He rolled his eyes. "What a nice surprise Major Hochstetter. What can I do for you?"

 _hhHhH_

Anderson leaned forward in his chair, waiting with baited breath to hear exactly what had happened over in Hogan's barracks. He had been shot down not long after Colonel Hogan arrived at camp, and found the colonel to be pretty even-tempered. This ought to be good he thought, while at the same time, feeling for his two friends.

"We literally had no idea what was going on or what we had done or didn't do. But given the looks and whispers, we were pretty scared. I'll tell you that."

"Well, you were scared, John. I was just curious," Wilson corrected him.

"Well, yeah. I suppose so. You're the only one in camp who can override Colonel Hogan, so I guess you have a leg up."

"In some things, John. But only if I know about it."

"Touché."

"Go on," Anderson prompted them impatiently.

"Well, it happened like this." Wilson began to explain.

 _Kinch opened the door for Wilson and Waverly. "Not sure what you two did, but you're in for it. Big time," he said. "Oh and whatever you do, don't leave," He whispered to Wilson._

 _It was the first part of Kinch's statement that settled in their ears as the two entered the hut. It was now empty._

" _Colonel Hogan?" Wilson glanced around the common room. The colonel's office door was closed._

 _Waverly motioned towards it, and the two reluctantly walked over. The chaplain knocked. "Colonel Hogan. Wilson and I are here as ordered, sir."_

 _He knocked again._

 _He looked at Wilson. The medic slowly turned the knob and opened the door. He peered through the threshold and then swung the door open._

" _What the heck?" Waverly entered the room._

" _He's not here. No one's here." Wilson's stomach did a flip._

 _Waverly stepped out of the office and into the common room._

" _In the tunnel?" He asked pointing to the bunk. "Should we?"_

" _Why would he be in the tunnel? And no. everyone out there, thinks we are in here." Wilson ran his hands through his hair, then flung his cap onto the table._

" _Geez. Joe what do we do?"_

" _Punt."_

HhhhhH

"Major that is absolutely ridiculous. He is sitting here, right in front of me. We had an appointment." Klink held out the phone.

"Afternoon, Major Hochstetter," Hogan said loudly. He sat back in his chair and grinned.

"No, that wasn't necessary. I get that." Klink held the phone away from his sear. Even Hogan could hear the yelling.

"Before then? Well, Major…"

 _HhHhh_

 _The situation began to dawn on the two men simultaneously. Waverly swallowed hard. "Oh my God, Joe. We're the diversion!"_

" _Damn. Sorry, John." Wilson stood up. "They think Colonel Hogan is here and we're getting chewed out."_

" _Why didn't they just do this with two other guys? Say from Barracks 19. They're always getting in trouble."_

" _Because they're always doing diversions with everyone else. Guess it's our turn. And the Kommandant."_

 _Waverly finished Wilson's sentence. "Would be less likely to send us to the cooler, and also believe us if we swear we were here with the Colonel. Who is not here. And they must have thought this up at the last second."_

 _Wilson nodded. "Want to play gin?"_

HhhhhhH

"That's impossible, Major. The colonel was in a meeting in his barracks with the medic and the chaplain.

"How do I know this? I heard them myself, Major. And I also saw Colonel Hogan in there. Major, I witnessed the meeting."

Hogan made circular motions next to his ear with his finger. This elicited a nasty look and a shake of the hand from Klink.

 _HhhhhH_

 _Waverly was too nervous to play gin. He got up and glanced out the window. "Klink's heading this way."_

 _Wilson got up and walked over to where Waverly stood. He noticed LeBeau looking at the hut and then back towards the compound._

" _Does Colonel Hogan have an extra cap?" he asked Waverly, who shrugged. Seconds later they were in_ _Hogan's office combing through his lockers and drawers. They could not get into the footlocker, but the taller locker by the wall was open._

" _If he only knew."_

" _Desperate measures. Aha! I found one." Wilson pulled a sad looking crush cap out of a box on the bottom of the locker. "The insignia's missing but we'll make do. Here." He took out a spare shirt. "Take yours off and put this on."_

 _Waverly took off his shirt, put on Hogan's and then put his jacket on over that. The two went out into the common room._

" _Showtime," Wilson stated._

Anderson's mouth hung open this entire time. He then coughed and said, "did you just say you went through the Colonel's things and stole an extra cap and shirt?"

"Not stole. Borrowed," Waverly answered. He was beginning to calm down, but he wouldn't be satisfied until Hogan returned safely from Klink's office.

"And then pretended to have an argument?"

"Well not exactly an argument. Let's just say it was a talking to," Wilson explained. He took one last swig of his drink and handed the glass to Anderson, who took it over to the sink and gave it a rinse. Waverly was still nursing his drink. "We just spoke extra loudly…."

 _The two men began making some noise. Scraping chairs and then speaking at a higher volume._

" _With all due respect sir, I don't think you fully…."_

" _I can barely hear you. Say it again."_

" _With all due respect sir," Wilson almost shouted. "I don't think you fully understand why…"_

" _Here let me play colonel." Waverly stepped out of sight of the windows, removed his jacket and put on the crush cap. "Walk first. Look upset."_

 _Wilson walked past the window. He was followed by Waverly. By now, Wilson was getting perturbed, as he expected Klink to waltz in any moment. Hogan's men were good, but how good? And where was Hogan? He had no idea what had happened; if he was delayed, hurt, arrested. He knew a bit more than the chaplain and he was beginning to feel sick with worry._

 _The chaplain put his jacket back on and sat down at the table. Wilson joined him_. " _I guess we have to keep this up as long as it takes."_

" _Colonel Hogan probably wouldn't yell. Actually I have no idea. I've never seen him really mad. Let's just sit," Waverly decided._

"So you sat?" Anderson asked.

"And waited." Wilson said. "But we saw someone stop by a window and give us thumbs up. We guessed that Klink had left."

"Although there still guards out there, but when we looked, most of them were gone," Waverly added. "And not long after that the bunk entrance opened and Colonel Hogan came out."

"And?"

 _Hogan stepped off the ladder, closed the bunk entrance and stared for a moment._

" _Glad you are back, sir," Wilson said quickly. "We have a good explanation. Just to let you know, we did something really awful and you had us in here by ourselves to chew us out. Kinch told us not to leave."_

 _Hogan didn't miss a beat. "Got to get over to Klink's." He saw his spare crush cap on the table but said nothing. "Follow me out," he said._

" _I'm wearing your shirt, sir."_

" _And I'm sure you wore it well, Lieutenant."_

 _The three waved off questions from the gallery and headed their separate ways._

"That's a whale of a tale." Anderson grinned.

"I think I can go the rest of the war without having to do this again," Waverly said.

"You never know," Wilson countered in all seriousness.

"Guess you're right," Waverly replied. "We signed on the dotted line, as they say." The door to the infirmary opened and Colonel Hogan walked in. The three immediately stood up.

"At ease." Hogan smiled." I could use whatever it is you've been drinking."

"I'll get you some, sir." Anderson popped over to the secret stash and poured Hogan a glass.

"Figured I owe you two an explanation." Hogan sighed. "I suspected Hochstetter may have spotted me. We thought he was out of town, but he must have changed his plans. I detoured to use a radio so I could alert someone here. And then I changed my route back to camp. That's what took me so long. Being late for my appointment with Klink was the least of my worries. It's happened before." Hogan took a drink, and shuddered. "Whoa that's strong. Where was I? Kinch had to think of something on the fly before Hochstetter called the camp. He didn't want Klink going into the hut, and I had to be busy for at least another half an hour. Sorry you both had to step up."

"It was bound to happen eventually," Wilson stated. "It was a doozy of a plan. I'll have to admit, they had us going for a while. Had no clue what we did."

"Well you did enough, because Klink bought it hook, line and sinker. Great creativity, by the way. And good thinking with borrowing the shirt and cap. I should have London drop another jacket. Anyway, Klink convinced Hochstetter I was here the entire time."

"Colonel, did you tell the Kommandant what they did to deserve a chewing out?"

"No, Anderson, I refused. I honestly couldn't think of anything I would want him to know," Hogan replied. He then smiled." But then I actually came clean. Told him it was all a misunderstanding. That you didn't do anything and that some recently transferred malcontents were the source of the false information."

Wilson looked confused. "No one's been recently transferred, Colonel."

"No, but I managed to somehow refresh Klink's memory."

"Yup," Anderson said. "That is exactly what I said. A whale of a tale."

 _The end._


End file.
